No parent enjoys getting the silent treatment. Sometimes this is what it feels like though. Our little ones used to talk non-stop, remember the days that all you wanted was 2 minutes of peace and quiet? Now you long for those days. As parents, we need to realize that pulling away from us, is not only normal but also a necessary developmental stage of adolescence.
Teens need their own space, but they also need us too. Some teens may not be able to admit it, but they may need us now even more than ever. Their lives are changing so much, and they have so many concerns, fears, and needs that they don’t know what to say or where to begin. It is up to us to work on bridging that gap.
One thing I always remind myself is when our children/teens stop telling us all of the little things, they definitely won’t tell us the big things. We need to keep the door open and encourage them to tell us anything and everything, it doesn’t matter how small it seems to us, it might be a big deal to them, so let them get it out. Don’t get frustrated if they don’t open up to you the first time you try to talk to them, give them some time and try again, don’t give up.
Other things to try:
- Don’t lecture them or let on how much it might be hurting you – guilt will do nothing to get them to open up
- Engage in and find activities that you enjoy together
- Have some one-to-one time in the car – great way to get their attention and be a captive audience for them, be present and give them your undivided attention
- Don’t judge, listen with an open mind
- Don’t try to fix everything! Sometimes our teens just want someone to listen while they vent, they don’t need every problem or perceived problem fixed for them
- Don’t diminish their emotions, let them feel what they are feeling and support them and show empathy
- Treat them like a young adult, let them know you value their opinion, treat them with respect and show you are owed the same respect from them
- Don’t pump them for information, instead open up and tell them something about you, something that will be interesting to them that has happened (don’t get too serious, remember they are still developing, and you don’t want to stress or burden them with your problems)
- Be their sounding board, ask them how they are going to solve a problem and see where they go with it, help guide the conversation if they are struggling, but don’t solve the problem for them
- Ask open ended questions to get the conversations going – what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail at school this year? What are you grateful for today? Ask about something topical that happened in the news this week and get their opinion on it. If you could have a superpower what would it be?
Parenting isn’t easy! It takes a lot of work to keep an open line of communication with your children/teens, what they are looking for is an open, honest and trusting relationship, once they feel the trust is gone, they will shut down and stop communicating. Remember the silent treatment you are getting isn’t necessarily about you, pick your battles and do your best to have an open line of communication. Your child/teen needs to feel they can trust you to be able to relate to you. If you or your teen is struggling, give us a call, at CPC we can help you and your children/teen get your line of communication back.
“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.” ~Plato
